Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Out of Body

Have you ever taken a psychological test and had to answer a question about if you ever feel like you're out of your body or watching your life from the outside? I always thought that was a weird question until recently when I started feeling that way. Pretty much constantly. I'm just so exhausted all the time and I'll think, like I did immediately before starting to type this, that it would be nice for someone to just come do life for me for a little while until my real life starts. 

August 11; Sunrise at Trail West Lodge in Buena Vista, CO
And then I get into the whole this-is-real-life/you-write-a-blog-about-embracing-life-how-can-you-say-you-don't-want-to? kinda thing. Which makes me even more tired, but it does make me step back and think: Why are you tired? (I stayed up late and watched a movie/played games on my phone. Also, I cleaned, did homework, went to a full day of school) What can you do to change that? (Go to sleep earlier/no TV at bedtime/no phone at bedtime. Have better time management skills so I don't have to do all of that on one day) Are you thankful for what makes you tired? (For my phone and TV, sure. For getting a wonderful education at a great university? Absolutely!) Does what makes you tired glorify God? (Watching TV and playing on my phone, not so much. My career will someday glorify God because I'll be helping people...) Are you embracing feeling tired? (I let myself fall into it and go to sleep :P )

July 25; the Continental Divide
That second-to-last question really gets to me. Does X activity glorify God? And my answer of "it will in the future," bothers me a little bit. And I know in my head that I should be able to glorify God right now, not in the future where I'm out of school and have everything figured out (which would never happen anyway). That's what's really making me feel like I'm living outside my body; like I'm watching everything that I do, rather than actually partaking in it. I am so focused on the future and just getting to where I want to go that it makes it hard to be present today and live for today. And again, I know that in my head-I'm just having trouble taking that thought process and solving the issue. How do you transfer that idea from just an idea to actually feeling present and alert to what is happening right now?

March 30; Anadarko, OK sunset while at Phi Lamb retreat
I have noticed that the times when I am most susceptible to feeling like this is when I'm tired or bored. If I am fully awake (rarely happens), if I am doing something I really enjoy (a few times a week), or if I am with someone I really want to be around at that moment (rare, but not exceptionally) I don't really experience the out-of-body thing. I guess I'm just going to have to make sure to like everything that I'm doing and everyone that I'm with while I'm doing it!

March 17; View from the plane from Charlotte, NC to Orlando, FL
Other than that, the best thing that I can do for this right now is to continue to remind myself that I'm not in the future yet, and that I shouldn't wish time away. Every time I catch myself thinking that I can't wait for something to happen in the future or like I'm living outside my body, I take a moment to breath, close my eyes, and appreciate what is currently around me. Taking that moment of silence to gather myself really helps me focus on whatever I'm meant to be working on and be thankful for being tired; it allows me to take pleasure in the little things and try to soak up this last year of college till I'm the fullest sponge out there. I don't want to forget a second of this precious time in my life, and the best way to ensure the memories is to feel like I'm actually a part of them.

Not sure what date, but it was August; Rainbow from the deck of the Rayburn Room at Trail West
 Now would anyone like to go grocery shopping for me? 

No? Just leave a comment then :] I'd love to hear your input on this!


1 comment:

  1. The things we do, even if preparation of tomorrow, glorify God TODAY! This concept is so hard; I struggled a lot in the months leading up to Trail West that I wasn't doing anything to glorify God. Little did I know that my resting and mental and spiritual was glorifying and pleasing to God and totally according to His will. Love this! Miss you!