I always pictured myself living in Texas for the rest of my life. I thought I'd go to college in Texas, get a job in Texas, get married in Texas, raise my kids in Texas, retire to Texas. I never imagined myself ending up in Oklahoma for any amount of time. You know how people talk about Arkansas like it's this incestuous, hillbilly, crazy-filled state? Texans kinda feel that way about Oklahoma, also, if they haven't lived there; haven't met the people there. And then I did both of those things. And it has changed me.
Oklahoma is where I learned to appreciate life. It's where I decided to live zealously and pursue happiness in all things. Oklahomans became my family. I relied on them when I was sad, happy, broken, homesick, needed to share my life with someone. Oklahoma was my home for the past 4 years of my life. This state and its people have forever ingrained itself into me; it's a part of who I am.
A part of who I am was torn apart yesterday. It is leveled. It is littered. It is dead. I know there are people who are grieving, feeling like there can be no reason to continue pursuing life. It would be easy to give up on trying to find joy in all of the destruction.
But, part of my thoughts on being zealous includes the pursuit to feel fully. It can be terrible, and it can be destructive if there is a lack of a support system, but fully feeling this grief and this hurt is what is going to make me remember to fully feel and experience the joy that life has to offer. I will remember the lives lost, and honor that by living my life as hard as I can; by being passionate and zealous to continue experiencing all that this beautiful life have to offer.
A part of who I am was brought together yesterday, as it has had to do far too many times in the past. This state knows pain, but it also knows support, love, and faith. If there was ever a state who could handle trauma, it's Oklahoma. It is strong. It is healing. It is alive.
All my love, prayers, and support go to my home away from home. Thanks for letting me be one of you for the past four years. I wouldn't have it any other way.
Showing posts with label tough. Show all posts
Showing posts with label tough. Show all posts
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
Wednesday, March 13, 2013
On optimism and waiting
By the beginning of February, I had finished and submitted all of my graduate school applications. I was pretty pleased with myself for getting it done, but now came the time of waiting.
I literally check the mail upwards of three times a day. I open the mailbox frequently to see an empty, metal box. Sometimes I open it to retrieve one envelope - a bill most times. It is never an acceptance (or rejection) letter.
I just want to knoooowww!
I am trying to remain optimistic. I remind myself that I only have a little bit of time left in my undergrad so that I am conscious of making memories in the last two months.
And then I think "only 53 days until I graduate?!" I can't believe that these past four years are coming to an end. It's crazy. I feel like I haven't even been here for a year. I could swear my parents left me here at school only last September. And I want more time in this place.
At the same time, though, I'm ready to be done with this chapter of my life. I'm ready to start studying only things pertaining to my future career and be with like-minded people. I'm ready to learn how to do what I want to do with my life and start applying that knowledge to clients.
I'm ready to start showing people I care about them, and seeking them out with zeal, by helping them communicate. As one of the most important things we, as humans, can do, the ability to share ideas has to be in each of us, and I feel so passionately about giving someone the power that words can hold. I'm just ready to get started.
But for now, I must wait. And see that this part of my life is happening for a reason, too - without it, I wouldn't be able to move on to the next part.
As much as I hate all this waiting, I try to enjoy the fact that not knowing, means not stressing about my future if I don't get in anywhere. It means another day of looking forward to a bright future. Less time spent worried about the student loans that I'm going to have to take out.
And I enjoy thinking for just a moment that I am not going to have to leave this place that I've begun to think of as home. That I won't have to leave my friends behind, just wishing them luck with their senior, junior, and sophomore years of college.
I am going to cry like a baby come May 4. At least I can have people telling me "may the fourth (force) be with you" to keep me strong come graduation.
I literally check the mail upwards of three times a day. I open the mailbox frequently to see an empty, metal box. Sometimes I open it to retrieve one envelope - a bill most times. It is never an acceptance (or rejection) letter.
I just want to knoooowww!
I am trying to remain optimistic. I remind myself that I only have a little bit of time left in my undergrad so that I am conscious of making memories in the last two months.
And then I think "only 53 days until I graduate?!" I can't believe that these past four years are coming to an end. It's crazy. I feel like I haven't even been here for a year. I could swear my parents left me here at school only last September. And I want more time in this place.
At the same time, though, I'm ready to be done with this chapter of my life. I'm ready to start studying only things pertaining to my future career and be with like-minded people. I'm ready to learn how to do what I want to do with my life and start applying that knowledge to clients.
I'm ready to start showing people I care about them, and seeking them out with zeal, by helping them communicate. As one of the most important things we, as humans, can do, the ability to share ideas has to be in each of us, and I feel so passionately about giving someone the power that words can hold. I'm just ready to get started.
But for now, I must wait. And see that this part of my life is happening for a reason, too - without it, I wouldn't be able to move on to the next part.
As much as I hate all this waiting, I try to enjoy the fact that not knowing, means not stressing about my future if I don't get in anywhere. It means another day of looking forward to a bright future. Less time spent worried about the student loans that I'm going to have to take out.
And I enjoy thinking for just a moment that I am not going to have to leave this place that I've begun to think of as home. That I won't have to leave my friends behind, just wishing them luck with their senior, junior, and sophomore years of college.
I am going to cry like a baby come May 4. At least I can have people telling me "may the fourth (force) be with you" to keep me strong come graduation.
Sunday, January 27, 2013
Um, Wow!
Guys. I'm a second-semester senior. In college. When in the world did this happen?! Yesterday, I drove down to Edmond for a Silent Breakfast at a Panera Bread there. One of the middle schools in the city has a pretty new ASL Club whose teacher/sponsor/leader is a friend from OSU ASL, and she brought her students to breakfast as their first ever Silent Event. Talking to them made me remember what I was like as a 6th, 7th, and 8th grader. One of the 6th grade girls was half as old as I am-literally. She's 11! I just am amazed at how far I've come and how far they still have to go in their lives. It's humbling and absolutely incredible.
Remembering that I was once very similar to those young girls, taking everything personally and trying so hard to fit in, I wished that I had always thought the way that I do now - that every day should be filled with joy, and love, and not taken for granted; that you shouldn't sweat the small stuff; that it does get better, and the things that seem like big things now will be miniscule hilarities to look back on when you get older. I have truly reread note passed between friends and I form when I was 13 and 14 and shook my head and laughed at how utterly ridiculous we are as teenagers.
But you don't feel ridiculous when it's happening. And I guess that's part of the growing up process is going through that time of feeling like all eyes are constantly on you; working to fit in and then realizing as you get older that it just doesn't matter that much - that you're a good person, and people should get to know you in order to see that instead of judging based off of your clothes, or hair, or interests. I kind of feel bad for what these girls will soon be going through as high schoolers, learning the tough lessons of finding true friendship, heartache, anxiety for getting into college, knowing what they want to do with their lives, and pleasing their friends, teachers, and parents with all of those choices. It's making my heart beat faster just typing about it, and I've already lived through it!
It just reminds me to be thankful that I never experienced anything incredibly terrible while I was a teenager, and makes me want to think of them and pray for them to learn what I have in the easiest way possible, rather than a tough and painful way. And maybe share through actions that life is best served with a smile, shared with a friend, and never taken for granted.
Remembering that I was once very similar to those young girls, taking everything personally and trying so hard to fit in, I wished that I had always thought the way that I do now - that every day should be filled with joy, and love, and not taken for granted; that you shouldn't sweat the small stuff; that it does get better, and the things that seem like big things now will be miniscule hilarities to look back on when you get older. I have truly reread note passed between friends and I form when I was 13 and 14 and shook my head and laughed at how utterly ridiculous we are as teenagers.
But you don't feel ridiculous when it's happening. And I guess that's part of the growing up process is going through that time of feeling like all eyes are constantly on you; working to fit in and then realizing as you get older that it just doesn't matter that much - that you're a good person, and people should get to know you in order to see that instead of judging based off of your clothes, or hair, or interests. I kind of feel bad for what these girls will soon be going through as high schoolers, learning the tough lessons of finding true friendship, heartache, anxiety for getting into college, knowing what they want to do with their lives, and pleasing their friends, teachers, and parents with all of those choices. It's making my heart beat faster just typing about it, and I've already lived through it!
It just reminds me to be thankful that I never experienced anything incredibly terrible while I was a teenager, and makes me want to think of them and pray for them to learn what I have in the easiest way possible, rather than a tough and painful way. And maybe share through actions that life is best served with a smile, shared with a friend, and never taken for granted.
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
Out of Body
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| August 11; Sunrise at Trail West Lodge in Buena Vista, CO |
And then I get into the whole this-is-real-life/you-write-a-blog-about-embracing-life-how-can-you-say-you-don't-want-to? kinda thing. Which makes me even more tired, but it does make me step back and think: Why are you tired? (I stayed up late and watched a movie/played games on my phone. Also, I cleaned, did homework, went to a full day of school) What can you do to change that? (Go to sleep earlier/no TV at bedtime/no phone at bedtime. Have better time management skills so I don't have to do all of that on one day) Are you thankful for what makes you tired? (For my phone and TV, sure. For getting a wonderful education at a great university? Absolutely!) Does what makes you tired glorify God? (Watching TV and playing on my phone, not so much. My career will someday glorify God because I'll be helping people...) Are you embracing feeling tired? (I let myself fall into it and go to sleep :P )
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| July 25; the Continental Divide |
That second-to-last question really gets to me. Does X activity glorify God? And my answer of "it will in the future," bothers me a little bit. And I know in my head that I should be able to glorify God right now, not in the future where I'm out of school and have everything figured out (which would never happen anyway). That's what's really making me feel like I'm living outside my body; like I'm watching everything that I do, rather than actually partaking in it. I am so focused on the future and just getting to where I want to go that it makes it hard to be present today and live for today. And again, I know that in my head-I'm just having trouble taking that thought process and solving the issue. How do you transfer that idea from just an idea to actually feeling present and alert to what is happening right now?
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| March 30; Anadarko, OK sunset while at Phi Lamb retreat |
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| March 17; View from the plane from Charlotte, NC to Orlando, FL |
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| Not sure what date, but it was August; Rainbow from the deck of the Rayburn Room at Trail West |
No? Just leave a comment then :] I'd love to hear your input on this!
Thursday, September 27, 2012
Why be Zealous?
After typing that title, I definitely said (in my head) "why so serious?" like the Joker from Batman. Oh Heath Ledger-you are missed. Which actually segueys quite nicely into what I actually wanted to talk about! Good job, brain!
Yesterday morning, at 7:50, a gunshot was heard through the hallways of Stillwater Junior High (8th and 9th graders). A 13-year-old boy, Cade Poulos, killed himself in the middle of his school, witnessed by many of his classmates.
As far as I know, there hasn't been a note found or anything like that, but I think it's still safe to say that this boy needed love. That's one of the main things I see in living zealously. It's not about being happy all the time, but knowing that there's hope when things look bleak and to be joyful in the fact that Jesus died to let you experience those feelings of despair. "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full," John 10:10. "To the full" doesn't mean getting every little thing you ask for or living luxuriously-it's using the physical body you have to feel every emotion possible and experience all the things you can on this earth, and finding great joy in that. In this joy, you show people the love of Christ-his perfect, unfailing, unconditional love. You prove that even in the worst of times, you have something greater-you are not of this world because you are of the spirit. That can provide such hope to people who need it.
Yesterday morning, at 7:50, a gunshot was heard through the hallways of Stillwater Junior High (8th and 9th graders). A 13-year-old boy, Cade Poulos, killed himself in the middle of his school, witnessed by many of his classmates.
As far as I know, there hasn't been a note found or anything like that, but I think it's still safe to say that this boy needed love. That's one of the main things I see in living zealously. It's not about being happy all the time, but knowing that there's hope when things look bleak and to be joyful in the fact that Jesus died to let you experience those feelings of despair. "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full," John 10:10. "To the full" doesn't mean getting every little thing you ask for or living luxuriously-it's using the physical body you have to feel every emotion possible and experience all the things you can on this earth, and finding great joy in that. In this joy, you show people the love of Christ-his perfect, unfailing, unconditional love. You prove that even in the worst of times, you have something greater-you are not of this world because you are of the spirit. That can provide such hope to people who need it.
A facebook page was made to remember and honor Cade's life, and in reading it, I saw that a couple people did say that he took the easy/coward's way out. The truth is, when you feel despair, if you have no faith to fall back on, death definitely can feel like the only way out of whatever situation you are facing. The fact that this child felt so downhearted that he couldn't see the light anywhere just tells me that a lot more people need to be more eager in experiencing life to the full and sharing that idea with others. Find the silver lining. Look for the lesson your hardship can teach you. Love each other. Be kind. Share life. To the full.
That's my challenge for you in the next few days/weeks/months. The holiday season seems like a perfect time for this, no? Even as the seasons change from bright and green spring and summer, to the colder, darker fall and winter, be a light. Bring warmth with you everywhere in the form of joy because He is sufficient and He makes you enough and He loves you even when you think that no one could. Take that and use it to give you strength to fully experience the abundant opportunities you have in your short time here.
xoxo
http://www.examiner.com/article/tragedy-strikes-stillwater-oklahoma-as-student-commits-suicide-at-school
https://www.facebook.com/pages/RIP-Cade-Poulos/469037129803626
P.S. I didn't know until finding those articles to show you just now that he was dressed up as Two Face from Batman for a spirit week the school was having. That makes my comment at the beginning of this post kind of creepy. I'm not enjoying that I unknowingly did that. Weird.
https://www.facebook.com/pages/RIP-Cade-Poulos/469037129803626
P.S. I didn't know until finding those articles to show you just now that he was dressed up as Two Face from Batman for a spirit week the school was having. That makes my comment at the beginning of this post kind of creepy. I'm not enjoying that I unknowingly did that. Weird.
Friday, September 14, 2012
Blessed
I had such a rough week. It was my first time observing my first client in the speech clinic on campus (I really got an adult? :[ ). It was my first week babysitting my pastor's daughter (after an already long day). I had an anxiety attack that lasted from about 7pm one night until after 2pm the next afternoon. I had my first two midterms of the semester (in two of the hardest classes of my major). It was trying and tiring. After all that, I also have my GRE in 3 days. Excuse me, what? A test that could navigate my future for me and it's on a Monday, at 8:30 in the morning, the week after the toughest week I've had in months? Ugh.
But I feel so blessed here at the end of these exhausting few days. I signed up for a mentorship program through ASHA (the American Speech-Language Hearing Association which certifies speech pathologists and audiologists). I got a card from a family I met from the time I spent in Colorado at Young Life's Trail West. And today, I got to spend time with my wonderful phamily from Sigma Phi Lambda, a Christian sorority on many campuses across the country.
Even as a senior, I still get asked how a girl from the city ended up in little Stillwater, OK and I tell them it was because of my major and because I got in on my SAT scores alone, but I know that it's because I was supposed to be here. I have been so blessed by the relationships God has put into my life since coming here and from the opportunities I've gotten that I may not have had elsewhere. I can't imagine for a moment what my college career would have been like without my littles, Laura and Karrah. They have so much wisdom and are such bright lights to everyone around them. Even on their worst days, they make me smile. They know how to be mama hens when I need one, but they also know that they can come to me for the same. Spending time with them, and the other girls in my phamily, always makes me happier and helps me to realize that there is so much joy in the world, and I've been so blessed to experience it with such awesome people. I can't wait to welcome a new baby lamb to our group this weekend and have a year to make memories with her, too!
My encouragement for you today is to go and look for the joy out there! Look at all you've been blessed with and know that it's because of the trials you've suffered-not in spite of them.
But I feel so blessed here at the end of these exhausting few days. I signed up for a mentorship program through ASHA (the American Speech-Language Hearing Association which certifies speech pathologists and audiologists). I got a card from a family I met from the time I spent in Colorado at Young Life's Trail West. And today, I got to spend time with my wonderful phamily from Sigma Phi Lambda, a Christian sorority on many campuses across the country.
Even as a senior, I still get asked how a girl from the city ended up in little Stillwater, OK and I tell them it was because of my major and because I got in on my SAT scores alone, but I know that it's because I was supposed to be here. I have been so blessed by the relationships God has put into my life since coming here and from the opportunities I've gotten that I may not have had elsewhere. I can't imagine for a moment what my college career would have been like without my littles, Laura and Karrah. They have so much wisdom and are such bright lights to everyone around them. Even on their worst days, they make me smile. They know how to be mama hens when I need one, but they also know that they can come to me for the same. Spending time with them, and the other girls in my phamily, always makes me happier and helps me to realize that there is so much joy in the world, and I've been so blessed to experience it with such awesome people. I can't wait to welcome a new baby lamb to our group this weekend and have a year to make memories with her, too!
My encouragement for you today is to go and look for the joy out there! Look at all you've been blessed with and know that it's because of the trials you've suffered-not in spite of them.
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